courtesy of vaso the photographer

hesitation…

how do you hesitate in text… i recently discovered a new front in instant messaging… the mac ‘rendevous’ thing, which i haven’t really played around with because i am generally online on my pc… my mac is old and slow and i generally don’t use iChat because i only have an MSN client which iChat doesn’t support… anyways, i digress [i always wanted to type that… hehe] right.

um, so rendevous… when you chat with a rendevous account it means you are on the same local network [i guess] and so as you type, it shows up to the other person letter by letter… or something approximating that. so you can physically see the person’s hesitations. as they decide what word to use, change their thoughts midstream, don’t say what they started out saying… even say something and intentionally erase it knowing that you read it or knew where the conversation was going…

there is a strange new conversation that can happen between the first letter typed and the last backspace… it’s quite nice.

i had more to say about hesitation… that word has crept into my mind on more than one occasion this past week and i’ve thought many thoughts about the beauty of hesitating… but now i am tired… distracted from work… hesitant, perhaps…

here are the promised pictures of me and my ‘stache… i’ll have to find some of the flyers for the ‘mustache lounge’ that was held last friday… i have decided to keep my ‘stache for a little while longer… not sure how that will go over in the long run, but i kind of like it and it’s filling out nicely.

so i’ve listened to this song quite a few times on the radio, on itunes, put it on a comp. cd and still have a few questions about the lyrics in a few places… well really only one place after transcribing them… [so if you know them or have a link i’d love to see it] anyways, i always thought the first line said “feel sick without you and i can’t let you go / i told you i don’t want you but you don’t let me say no” which changes the meaning significantly i think… anyways, here’s what i got…

primitive (the way i treat you) [from Ambulance Ltd] by Ambulance Ltd

feel sick without you and i can’t let you grow i told you i don’t want to but you don’t let me say no i drop a wire to your mom and your dad saying relax, don’t think about the way i treat you [huh]

shake humble hands with a faraway neighbor take part in something you can sure understand you’re now allergic to the rumble and noise so relax, don’t think about the way i treat you [uh-huh]

well i’ve got the time and i’ve found the way and i really want you and you really want to

??? he drove his brand new sports car on a national campaign he’s not affected by the rallies and wars he says relax, don’t think about the way i treat you [believe me]

you learn to balk at a comfortable slumber proceeding only toward sure history you don’t remember and it’s not important so relax, don’t think about the way i treat you

well i’ve got the time and i’ve found the way and i really want you and you really want to (repeat…)

relax, don’t think about the way i treat you (repeat…)

honesty is something that is truely important to me… to most people perhaps… at least i would like to believe that is the case. the things i have been experiencing lately have made me look at that with fresh eyes [perhaps tired eyes]… how honest i am with myself. how well i know myself and what i want, need, believe, tell myself… i spend a lot of effort carefully thinking through my interactions with others… being deliberate about what i say, how i say it, what i don’t say, what is implied, avoided, understood….

as i feel like i am being pushed into situations that i resent and/or being pulled away from the time i would like to spend doing other things for the need to fulfill certain duties… being faced with emotional situations that i’m unprepared to face and for whatever reason seem to be immediately affecting my ability to mediate the inward [and unchecked] thoughts i have and the outward presentation of those thought… where was i going with this?…

i feel a little like i am spinning out of control… looking for someone or something to latch onto for stability… questions about where to focus my energies are everpresent, but easily thwarted by the task at hand… i’ve found this time to be extremely challenging… i’ve started to set up events that portend an unstoppable revelation of me, my thoughts, my agendas, my feelings, and my future… i feel a peace and a fear and a growth that i have not felt before…

being naked in the world. unprotected. unmediated…. well, perhaps i’m being a little dramatic-extreme… [ah, i can feel the control coming back… typing more deliberately, thoughtfully… maybe control is still mine.]

things i need to do in the coming days:

• prepare for crit tonight at 7:30
  • determine which project to present
  • audio installation with jess
  • chair
  • surveillance
  • brick project as model for exploring technological/analogical tolerance
  • will this be a crit or an information session
  • clean up studio
• second candidate lecture monday afternoon
• second candidate interview tuesday morning
• 2D crit wednesday
• read 2D seminar text by thursday eve
• obtain and read architecture seminar text by thursday afternoon
• third candidate lecture friday afternoon

• third candidate interview saturday morning

• pay car insurance
• format harddrive

ugh… many more things…

but later.

i got an email today [two actually - one from my dad and one from a friend] bearing the same bad news… a dear friend of mine who had a stroke near the end of last year is not expected to make it through the night due to complications as a result of that stroke. her name is betty byron and she has been a friend and counselor to me for somewhere btwn 10 and 15 years… she was a wonderful person who always brought joy to me and everyone she met… my heart is heavy as i write this and i don’t have the words to express my sadness.

i will miss you betty and i will hold the memories i have of you close to my heart.

• too much talk.
• not enough work.
• dialogue is good…
• dialogue is about _______.
• i need to sleep… eat… shower…

• maybe a martini would be in order.

• notes to self:
• read smithson.
• read tony smith.

• look at illya kabakov <?> [hospital rooms…]

• look at jean prouve
• read thomas banhoff
• watch warhol movies… the long ones.

more…

later.

i’ve been listening to this cd for some time now… andy kerr [this is his only solo album as far as i know - and difficult to come by i might add] was the guitar player for nomeansno the greatest canadian punk rock band to belt one out…

here are a couple links to play with: fan site 1 fan site 2

never again [from Once Bitten, Twice Removed] by andy kerr

you pick me up, you swept me off my feet you were so good, you were so kind to me but now i guess, you have grown tired you cast aside, my foolish heart

the games you played, the lies you chose to tell you told them good, you told them oh so well but now i guess, you have grown tired you cast aside, my foolish heart

it’s time i said when, but every now and then i need someone and my heart says no don’t fall in love again

my mom and dad, and all my relatives they gather round, oh how they put you down i know they’re right, but what i’d give to kiss your lips and hold you close tonight

it’s time i said when, but every now and then i need someone and my heart says no don’t fall in love again

it’s time i said when, but every now and then i need someone and my heart says no don’t fall in love again

today we met with the director of the academy in anticipation of finding out who made the short list of for the position of architect-in-residence. this has been widely discussed here and ill supplied with concrete information… but now we know… and not a moment too soon since the first candidate is coming tomorrow morning! ugh… this is going to be a long month… the schedule is breifly this friday and saturday the first candidate comes. this coming monday and tuesday the second one, the following friday and saturday and the subsequent monday and tuesday for the other two… this means quite a few days of not working and just interviewing/entertaining/questioning/watching/etc.

anyways, here’s the short list….

Perry Kulper
Martin Finio
Ben Nicholson
Bill Massie

that’s it… don’t know who else applied [except a few here and there… but i think there are some confidentialities there so i’ll just let that go] except that there were about 40 applicants and that at least one woman made it to the intermediate list of 8…

i’d post this on my studio blog, but i don’t know if it is appropriate… and besides i can be more frank here… and frank’s a fun guy to be… ;-)