honesty is something that is truely important to me… to most people perhaps… at least i would like to believe that is the case. the things i have been experiencing lately have made me look at that with fresh eyes [perhaps tired eyes]… how honest i am with myself. how well i know myself and what i want, need, believe, tell myself… i spend a lot of effort carefully thinking through my interactions with others… being deliberate about what i say, how i say it, what i don’t say, what is implied, avoided, understood….

as i feel like i am being pushed into situations that i resent and/or being pulled away from the time i would like to spend doing other things for the need to fulfill certain duties… being faced with emotional situations that i’m unprepared to face and for whatever reason seem to be immediately affecting my ability to mediate the inward [and unchecked] thoughts i have and the outward presentation of those thought… where was i going with this?…

i feel a little like i am spinning out of control… looking for someone or something to latch onto for stability… questions about where to focus my energies are everpresent, but easily thwarted by the task at hand… i’ve found this time to be extremely challenging… i’ve started to set up events that portend an unstoppable revelation of me, my thoughts, my agendas, my feelings, and my future… i feel a peace and a fear and a growth that i have not felt before…

being naked in the world. unprotected. unmediated…. well, perhaps i’m being a little dramatic-extreme… [ah, i can feel the control coming back… typing more deliberately, thoughtfully… maybe control is still mine.]